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Somber Shadowz

[ website | Somber Shadowz ]
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No more Drama! [13 Jan 2006|02:40am]
[ mood | relieved ]

I know what I did and I blame myself for that but that is it. I'm not going to be held responsible for anyone else's decisions. It is your lives, not mine. I just happened to fall into the mix. I can either regret that, or shrug it off. I prefer to shrug it off, and I suggest you all do the same. What has happened, has happened! Nothing you do now will change it. Move forward and do not look back. I assure you, I won't be standing here, wallowing in regret.

I do not need Jezebel Jenni to rub my nose in my past, nor do I need her constant crude name calling. Get a god damn life, "darlin".

Tears I've Cried

[26 Nov 2005|04:08am]
[ mood | amused ]

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What Icons are for you?(Thank you for #1!! Please check out my other Memes!!) by ladyallie
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4Tears I've Cried

[21 Nov 2005|05:45pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Mist
by Rammstein

They stand with their arms tightly around each other
A mixture of flesh, so rich in days
Where the sea touches the land
She wants to tell him the truth

But the wind eats her words
Where the sea ends
She holds his hand, trembling
And kissed him on the forehead

She carries the evening in her chest
And knows that she must wither away
She lays her head in his lap
And asks for a last kiss

And then he kissed her
Where the sea ends
Her lips, delicate and pale
And his eyes tear up

The last kiss
Was so long ago
The last kiss
He does not remember it anymore

Tears I've Cried

[07 Oct 2005|03:10am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

To be remembered...
Never forgotten...
Immortalized....

Something many crave... Like Achilles.. Edgar Allan Poe.. Hitler... Dracula...

Do we forget? Never... Their legends.. carried out through the sands of time..

Are we remembered? For our flaws? For our strengths.. Yes.. We'll we be forgotten? Merely faded.. Never forgotten.. We make impacts upon the lives we cross.. Whether they are positive or negative.. Do we regret? Always.. Do we wish.. to change what has happened.. Usually.. But can we? No.. not usually..

For what we have done in our life.. Remains.. No matter the ache of our heart.. Wanting to fix it.. make it right.. Impossible.. We must continue forth.. Be what we ourselves know.. we can be.. We can not.. continue to blame ourselves.. Regret.. what we have done to those we love.. Only keep the hope, that our apologies were enough.. Though they never are.. Truly..

If we were to leave tomorrow.. Their grudges would remain.. The pain we caused them.. Or even the love.. we brought to them.. That is how we are immortalized.. Lovers.. come and go.. Times change.. Do they forget us? No.. they remember.. but we are merely faded whispers.. But a whisper.. none the less.. A photograph.. etched within the deep recesses of their minds.. Never forgotten... Just less thought of...

Funny how life is.. Funny how things are..

If I could go back.. Would I? No... Certainly not.. A lesson learned.. Though the pain remains.. the question of what if? The desire to fix what has been broken.. But it doesn't matter.. Those who are intended to remain in our lives.. shall.. No matter our mishaps.. no matter our mortal flaws.. We are human.. mistakes.. are bound to happen.. But forgiveness.. is only granted to those.. who are deemed worthy.. Am I worthy? No.. Not in this life time.. I've caused enough pain in my short years.. Broke hearts.. Broke dreams.. Hurt those I loved most.. Over foolishness.. Over loneliness..

I deserve it.. and nothing more.. Loneliness.. A nightmare.. That will not fade.. Can I be saved from it's grasp? I don't know.. People can not save you from your demons.. You must face them alone.. To snuff out their existance.. To break those chains.. Chains created by others.. by yourself.. A lesson learnt.. Always..

I will not say I am perfect.. Or flawless.. I will not say I've never commited a sin.. For sin I have.. Over.. and over again.. I do not beg for forgiveness.. I do not ask to be redeemed.. I could never.. nor would i ever.. ask for what I have done.. to be forgotten.. forgiven....

It is selfish to even think such a thing..

Weird... how time.. affects a person.. Their mind.. their soul.. their very heart..

Again.. I ramble..

But do my words.. not find some small sense of truth?

I love.. for it is the purest emotion.. I know to give.. And I will continue to love.. No matter the heartache.. I dream.. for those dreams are still mine.. I live.. cuz tomorrow I may bring a smile to your face... I hurt.. For it reminds me.. I still breath.. I bleed.. for it reminds me.. i'm still human.. So very human..

I walk a thin line.. surely upon the razor-blade of life.. I could trip.. fall.. tumble into the depths of darkness.. Or perhaps I could fall into the light.. Though I feel I dip into both sides.. A bit of dark.. a bit of light.. Equal.. I never listen.. to advice given.. I learn on my own.. I have to.. Question what I do.. Understand me for what you know.. Try..

I am not simple.. I am not complicated.. I am me.. A Fading Whisper.. When I am gone.. Will I be remembered? Yes..

The Bitch.. The Slut.. The Poet.. The Romancer.. The Good Friend.. The Cheater.. The Liar.. The Heart Breaker.. The Daughter.. The Lover.. The Sister.. maybe even one day.. The Mother..

Will you be remembered? Always..... A realization.. That no matter.. who we are.. or what lives we lead.. We are remembered.. When we feel no one cares.. there is someone.. right beneath our noses.. with open arms.. We simply.. need to open.. our eyes.. To not be blinded.. by our tears.. Just... Fall.... Into their arms..

Tears I've Cried

[14 Sep 2005|12:58am]
[ mood | content ]

De Vision ...

I Regret (VnV nation)

Sometimes I'm simple minded
Then I can't read your look
All my thoughts are binded
I'm like an opened book
In which you read the story
Of a bleeding soul
I am so sorry
Each time I lose control

I should suppress my rage
In need you beside me
Don't you leave the stage
I need you to guide me
I know you'll be my saviour
If I repeat my fault
You put me on my best behaviour
You hear my call

Please hold out
I regret
All the nasty words I said
I can feel you getting colder
Please don't doubt
That I regret
All the days I left you sad
Can't you see me getting older

I know I hurt your feelings
But you had the strength
To start my healing
You went all length
The days of crying
Have reached the end
'cause now I'm trying
To understand

Please hold out...

Tears I've Cried

[02 Aug 2005|01:29pm]
[ mood | amused ]


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Sex rating - 100%
Number of times you will orgasm 63
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Tears I've Cried

[01 Aug 2005|09:04pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

So.... Months have passed and yet not one word has been left, for myself, for others...

I suppose you could say I haven't had the time, the patience, the desire of leaving myself open like a book. To be read, to be felt, to be understood. I figured, in the long run it truly meant nothing, to us all.

My life is merely one dramatic play after another. Sorrow, lust, desire, love, hate, pain.... You love someone, whom isn't ready for such commitments, but only with you, are they this way. Then hatred, and anger sweeps in. Angry, for he chooses another, than me. Hate him, for simply pulling my heart's strings. Tangling me up in my own confused thoughts, and emotions. Then the pain comes, the pain of knowing his lips met hers, and he did not refuse her those kisses.

*shrugs* I am told I am worthy of love. But the ones I love, do not love me. So I suppose there itself, is a problem, that is in dire need of being fixed. But how? It is not like I can snap my fingers and produce from that simple gesture the key of fixing myself. I despise knowing whom the one is, and that I can not have him. I despise knowing, how people feel about me, but are too scared to jump into it.. What is so wrong with me?

Am I that messed up? I know i'm emotional, and I know I can be rather jealous. But I have been working on it.. I truly have.. It wouldn't have been bad, if someone didn't test me all the damn time... Causing me to distrust, to answer in anger, instead of understanding. To push my buttons constantly, to make that crack in my heart, widen with every spoken word.

I am delicate, sensitive, incapable of having true love. It's just a fairy tale, lost in the midst of the shadows, lurking just beyond my grasp...

Pathetic, isn't it?

Tears I've Cried

[05 May 2005|04:54pm]
The children's funeral was Saturday. Quite heart wrenching said my father. Sunday my dad flew back here with my aunt and cousins. There is still so many unanswered questions.

I started my job Monday. Been working from 2-8pm basically. Today is my day off, thank goodness.. I'm silly I don't usually take breaks at work, or sit my ass down. So i'm on my feet the entire time, stocking the cooler and shelves. I'm sure getting an upper body work out. *half smile* Friday-Sunday I'll be working from 2-10.. So a full 8 hours! Yay! I get paid next Friday! Yay yay.. Today i gotta get navy blue work pants.. blargh.. And some socks and tennis shoes. My boots are killing my feet. *sigh*

Anyways, I'm proud of myself. My first job, and already my boss wants to move me to register. The weird thing is, she smiled at me yesterday! She NEVER smiles!!!! So i'm wondering what i did.. lol..

It friggen sucked, yesterday mom's blaze broke down.. Then when we went into town after work. On our way home from Wal-mart Jason's driver seat caught fire beneath it. That was the scariest fucking shit ever! We had the two oldest kids with us. I just snatched them out of the truck as fast as possible. I don't know how the stuff under the driver seat caught fire. I'm thinking a cherry from a ciggarett. That's all i can think of.. *sigh*

Well that's my update for now.
1Tears I've Cried

[25 Apr 2005|01:14pm]
Their dead.. their dead NO! They found them in a sewage pond..
5Tears I've Cried

[25 Apr 2005|12:41pm]
It has now become critical. My cousins have been missing for over 40 hours. Temperatures at night alone in Warrenton GA, are dropping below 30's.. And as we speak it's only 60 degrees.

Nicole has severe asthma, and needs a breathing machine. Jonah.. has kidney problems and needs his pills. They have basically nothing to go on. These children have literally disappeared without a trace.

Whoever took them, I can only hope will bring them back home safe.. They are just babies.. Innocent babies.. They don't deserve to be taken away from their parents. They haven't done anything wrong...

They had my Uncle Dennis Payne, and his fiance Lotti Kain on FOX news earlier this morning.. They just stood there crying.. It tore my heart out.. there's a picture on FOX news of my uncle sitting on the front porch, looking at pictures of the kids, and crying..

http://www.FOXnews.com

Please let them be safe!
Tears I've Cried

[24 Apr 2005|01:44pm]
They have my cousins on FOX news, CNN, and CBS. They are still missing.. *sighs* I'm so fucking scared! I can't handle all this stress! This is fucking killing me.. I can't stand.. little kids.. being out on their own.. all alone.. this is fucking scary! A Two year old, and a Three year old.. *sighs*

Please let them be alright....
Tears I've Cried

[24 Apr 2005|02:10am]
[ mood | distressed ]

April 23rd 2005....

Was absolute HELL! My father at 10 am, dropped his gf and the kids off at Castle and Coasters off of Dunlap. His gf hears nothing from him.. for four hours.. She calls me around 1 pm.. To have me call my dad's phone.. and see if he'll respond.. He was completely out of it.. Incoherent.. rambling non sense..

He kept saying 44th street and University.. He couldn't tell me where he was, or what he was doing. Then he went silent.. I called the police.. Had all the phoenix departments looking for him.. They finally found him.. around 5 pm.. Near his work... He was star gazing.. basically a zombie.. He did some how manage to get a soda.. and candy bar.. but hadn't eaten or drank.. He had melted chocolate on his arms.. and shit.. My mom and her fiance went out and looked for him.. Sandy was stranded at the amusement park.. God.. it scared the fuck out of me.. I cried so god damn much... You only have one dad! And even though my dad's a butt head.. he is mine.. and i love him to death.. he needs to take better care of himself.. I need him around!!!!!

Well everything is fine with him now.. Only for me to get a phone call tonight.. well early this morning 1 am.. That my cousins whom are 2 and 3 years old are missing in Georgia. They've been missing since 6 pm this after noon.. I'm worried friggen sick.. This is fucking ridiculous.. They called off the search.. because it was too dark.. and they told my uncle if he goes looking they'll arrest him.. They say their worried he'll mess up evidence.. there's a god damn pond at the end of the road! I couldn't sit back helplessly.. and wait.. *sighs* Their accusing his gf.. cuz she's a liar.. I don't know this is weird.. I don't get it.. I hope they are okay....

I can't cope with all this damn shit.. all at once!!! Ugh!!!!!!

1Tears I've Cried

[21 Apr 2005|01:08pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I got a job biatch!!!! hahaha.. Yay yayay! I'll be called back in a week to start my register training, for a week.. Then woola.. I start work.. So yes, it'll be two weeks until i actually start working. But i do have the position! I'm excited! *bounces* Granted it's only working at Chevron.. But still.. It's experience, I need! :) So yay for me!!!!!!

Tears I've Cried

[17 Apr 2005|11:49pm]
Today was my sister Cheyenne's b-day. She turned the big 7 years old! Gosh.. time flies by.. I can't believe she's already that old.. I mean the kid looks like your usual 10 year old lol.. I just remember when she was just walking.. It's just so odd to watch them grow.

So yep.. we did a small lil cake eating thing.. Since her party will be next weekend.. Since Daddy had to work this weekend.. So yeah.. we'll have it next weekend.. more cake! lol
Tears I've Cried

[13 Apr 2005|11:04pm]
fallen2
Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.

Image is a painting by Natalya Nesterova,
source:ca80.lehman.cuny.edu/.../
images/fallen_angel.jpg


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla
Tears I've Cried

[11 Apr 2005|09:39pm]
Omg.. Could it be... An Update?!

Yes, an update from my rather boring existance.

Not like anyone truly reads this anyways... *shrugs*

Anyways! This weekend was absolute chaos. My family decided to go camping at Suagaro lake (*spelling*) Up at Bagley flats. Well it was going okay, until the boat ran out of gas. Then the ski, and wake boarders flying by, causing huge wakes to come and crash our boats into the docks. Breaking our tie downs, and what not. Then they left me all alone with the three brats and a dog. They ran out of gas again! Which left me there, til after dark. Doesn't help that there was a den of javelina behind our camp. It was so freaking creepy! I hated it! And it didn't help that we were ALL Alone! No other campers, or anything.

So i'm freaking out, I don't have my machete, or a very reliable light, or anything else. They don't get back til around 8pm. So i'm scared shitless, I don't want to run into a mountain lion, or wild pig. *mumble*

We didn't catch any fish! My body was sore as hell, after laying on the ground. People tended to be rather rude. Which annoyed me. Then late sunday, we decided to try fishing after we packed up our stuff.. We ran out of gas again!!! Come to find out, our fuel line busted. So.. That could explain the running out of gas, not catching fish, etc etc. So we luckily found some people to tow us into dock. Thank goodness they were nice.. Or we would have had alot of rowing to do.. So in a nutshell.. This was a horrible weekend..

Thank the gods i'm home now... **Hugs her home**
4Tears I've Cried

[10 Mar 2005|08:39pm]
Benefit Concert For My friend's little Girl... It's called a smile for Maycie.. I need donations for this baby! Anything would be so helpful!!!!! I don't normally ask for such things, but this is for a good cause. It's for her corrective surgery. Read about it below.. Thank you !!!!!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
1Tears I've Cried

[09 Mar 2005|06:34pm]
http://members.rogers.com/lim.jennifer/dark.jpg
In your eyes, people can't seem to see anything
because your eyes are covered up by tears! You
are constantly hurt and depressed... No one
seems to understand how you feel because
everyone is scared to get close to you... You
long to be able to reach out and tell someone
everything, and all of your problems... But you
have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to
want to hear what you have to say. You've been
hurt many times that you don't seem to have any
tears left to shed, or if you do, they're an
endless river flowing... You've started to hide
and bottle up all or your problems and
feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go
away... You want company, but at the same time,
you're scared of it. Your sanctuary is your
room where you can just be alone and try to
throw away all of your aching pains. You're
dark and mysterious and people like you for
that reason. Even if you think you're all by
yourself in the dark, someone is always there
with you. Your special someone wants to admit
and show their feelings towards you, but
they're afraid of how you'll take it. Get out
more and enjoy life because, it is far too long
to frown your way through :)


What Lies Behind Your Eyes? (With Pics, See All Results!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Tears I've Cried

[04 Mar 2005|12:07pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!

Someone has literally came into my yard. Up to my dog run, and stole my two beagle pups! WE had a keyring/hiker latch on the door, to keep it from being popped open. Someone took it off, and placed it inside the dog run on the fence part. Then moved my dog's house, lifted it up and scooted it. There are strange shoe imprints behind the dog house. The puppies are gone!!!!!! They were here this morning around 8 am.. And now their gone! Gone fucking GONE!!!! Who in their fucking right mind would come up to my house?! I don't live near the road, i live further back on the property. I have two other dogs, that are extremely vicious to strangers (though they are chained away from the pups)

I don't know what to do! This is soo fucked up.. Why would someone steal my damn dogs?! HELP!

Tears I've Cried

Agh muh head is killing me!!!!! [05 Jan 2005|08:31pm]
[ mood | sore ]

Ok.. I dunno what it is.. But i've been having migraines every day for half a week. Their like tension headaches.. starting at the base of my skull.. then spreading throughout.. I'm so damn miserable.. I'm seriously wanting to rip off my head.. to see if it'll make it stop. :( Anyone know a good cure? I've done excedrin.. as well as some meds for a tension headache.. arghers...

Tears I've Cried

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